Don’t Be a Cold Turkey Friend

If my title intrigued you I hope you will stay to read the rest because this subject has been weighing on me for quite some time. I wasn’t even sure which blog to write it on since I have this blog that reaches a larger audience and my personal blog that is more of my close-knit friends, though it is open to the public.

Let backtrack a bit for those who don’t know my recent journey.

In recent years I have had cancer, not once, but twice. When I first found out I had cancer, most of my friends and some of my family rallied around me to be supportive. I went into remission for a year and then sadly my cancer came back with a vengeance. The second time it came around, I was more involved in Toastmasters and more friends rallied around, more family rallied and more letters and support showed. This time we figured out how to video chat, how to be a better support to me and help me with my needs.

Both times, once I was well, friends went dark, the family fell off the face of the earth and I was left in the dark cold turkey.

I am a strong, resilient person and I know I should take it as a compliment that people feel like once I am well that I can handle things on my own.

The thing is, what they don’t realize is how hard it is to move forward after you have had all that support to be left with no support.

  • No more video chats
  • No more calls
  • The letters slow down or come to halt
  • The care packages stop
  • The check-ins to see how you are don’t happen
  • The soft way people talk to you stops
  • The compassion seems to have left the building

Even the strongest person has a hard time recovering after a trauma like cancer and when all the compassionate caring stops, it is like going through withdrawals.

If you have followed my blog for a while or you know me, you know I am going to be upfront and honest about how I feel.

Vulnerable and all.

I feel like I am having to quit “attention” from others’ care and love, cold turkey.

Since last fall when I was told I was cancer-free and the tests were good, I have been severely depressed and struggling.

Imagine a person suffering from an addiction to a drug and then they are removed from it cold turkey with nothing.

My drug, however, was compassion from others. That compassion was a swarming form of attention and to be honest, not having it, is hard. I miss it.

Deep down in my heart, I know my friends care and love me. The “addict” per se in me, however, is saying, I don’t matter anymore and I only mattered when it was life-threatening. I know in reality that it is just negative self-talk and untrue.

I am talking to my therapist to refill that void with other things again.

  • Doing service for others
  • Doing good for others
  • Remembering my purpose and meaning in this life and fulfilling that purpose
  • Getting back involved in Toastmasters
  • Developing a workout routine
  • Going for walks on a regular basis
  • Meeting with friends or calling friends
  • Reaching out to family
  • Scheduling more travel and road trips
  • Finding retreats or getaways I might be interested in

While I know it’s on me to lift myself out of this depression and being who I am, I will.

I wanted to write this for those of you who might be currently supporting or befriending someone who is going through Cancer or any other severe illness right now or who might have a friend who just went into remission.

If things are still looking grim you are probably still there for them, helping them out, being support and I am sure they are thankful for that and I am thankful to you for being there for me and thankful to my friends who were there for me.

If you want to know how to best support your friends while they are going from “I had cancer or this life-threatening illness” to “I survived and I am going to make it”…

Here are some key ways to support them AFTER they are well so you don’t put them into a state of Cold Turkey shock like I am going through:

  • Text them every now and then to let them know you still care and are happy they are well
  • Send them a card that shows that little bit of extra effort that you cared enough to write something and put a stamp on it.
  • Call them if you can. If you were able to make the time before, try to make the time again, even if it’s not as much.
  • Schedule a visit with them or an outing together. They are finally well and able to get out of the house. Go have fun with them

Remember that even though they are well, they might still be scared about their illness returning and still need your friendship. Also, the people you may think are the strongest are probably the ones who are not ones to burden others with their problems, so they won’t tell you when they need you, or are sad or are depressed.

Robin Williams surprised the nation by taking his life.

Kate Spade’s father said he spoke to her earlier in the day and she was planning a trip.

You just never know.

Don’t stop showing your friends you care, especially those who have gone through some pretty major things in their life, like trauma or illness.

Those are the ones who really need you the most.

When you go cold-turkey on them, it is like quitting the hardest drug they ever had to quit because whether you realize or not, your friendship means more to them than you could possibly imagine.

You don’t have to be there 100%, just don’t go from 100% to 0% in a day.

~XoXo Trisha Trixie

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Crusader for Humanity

Trixie Tuesday: In The Center of The Fire

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.~Oriah Mountain Dreamer

I have been through many fires. Metaphorical fires, not literal but they were hot still the same. Many men in my life were unable to withstand the flames. Many friends in my life are no longer my friends because my flames were too hot for them and they felt singed by the heat. I find that many times in my life, other humans are not able to withstand the heat and fires of my life.

I used to be told it was me. I was the common denominator so it was my fault. I have learned through the years that some people endure more trauma than others. That is just life. It is not one’s fault. It just is.

As I have dealt with hotter fires in my life, so to speak, fires, like Cancer, twice, side effects of all the chemotherapy I did and now Hashimoto’s, I am finding more and more people who are able to stand near the fire at least.

Some people never have fires they have to put out. I used to be envious of them. Until I realized they were unable to grow. They did not know how to handle struggle when it came along. They had not built a stronger character.

While these things in my life have been excruciatingly hard, they have shaped me, molded me and made me the person I am today.

On my personal blog, I share some frustrations I had with my spouse. We all have them. No marriage is perfect. In meditating and looking over things though I realized something today…

He has stood in the fire and not shrank.

He has sat with me in pain and not tried to fix it.

He has dealt with nothing but putting out fires since we got married.

And he is still here.

It is rare to find a person who can do that.

I am ever thankful for that. Publicly and eternally I wanted to say that.

Even more than that, I want to share with those of you who also have had fires in your life. Maybe you have had your fair share of them. Maybe you have only had a few. Maybe you could write a book about it and no one will believe you. Maybe you have only had one.

Whether your fires have been one or many, I want to assure you something no one told me…

It is NOT your fault.

Just because you are the common denominator does not always mean you are the cause. It does not mean that you are always the reason the fires start. You may be the one always having to put them out and that’s all that others see. You may be the one always in the middle of the fire, but that doesn’t mean you started it.

I want you to know that and I want you to understand I know where you are coming from. I am tired of getting blamed for my fires. I’m sure you are too!

I am not saying there are not people who need to take ownership and if that is you, take ownership already! Fix your life and get your shit together!

However, you could just be the one in the middle and that sucks and I am sorry. I feel for you. I didn’t ask for the trauma in my life at age 8. I didn’t ask for it at age 10. I didn’t ask for it in my teens or in my twenties. I didn’t ask for Cancer either, but I got it. Those fires happened and I had to be strong enough to put them out. Sometimes all on my own with no one there to help me. You might be on your own feeling like you have no one either. It’s okay. It sucks, but you will be okay. You will be stronger for it.

If you are lucky, you will find people who stand next to you while your fire is blazing and rub their hands together and say “Let’s get some marshmallows!” 

You might find people who are willing to help you put your fires out.

You might find people who aren’t afraid to get a little singed with you because they know they will be okay too. They won’t shrink back.

The people who can sit in pain with you and not try to FIX YOU and just love you for who you are, fires and all are the best and they are out there!

If you can’t find them, maybe it is time to become one!

~XoXo Trisha Trixie

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3d2f438237b7d17b220387ae1c2e0610For the full quote from The Invitation:

“It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it’s not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”
It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.”

― Oriah Mountain Dreamer, https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/9557-it-doesn-t-interest-me-what-you-do-for-a-living

Pursuit of Excellence

There is this great little book called the Pursuit of Excellence and it helps you with goals and desires to become a better person. In finding this, I decided this year my quest is on The Pursuit of Excellence and these are my Challenges I am going to and have been taking on this year! I added them to my ASANA (Project Tracking Tool) and this way I can monitor my success and measure my statistics on how I am doing and have Asana as my own Accountability Coach!

This pamphlet encourages individuals to pursue excellence in their lives by setting goals and working diligently to achieve them. It includes several achievement challenges.

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POE: Spiritual Challenges:

  • Strengthen your spiritual testimony
  • Study Spiritual Work from Spiritual Leaders
  • Share Spiritual Quotes via Social Media to uplift and inspire others
  • Develop a personal file of teachings, articles, home, family & friend enrichment ideas, quotes, thoughts, anecdotes, and spiritual experiences
  • Keep a Personal Journal
  • Establish a habit of daily Meditation
  • Freely forgive others
  • Accept opportunities to speak or teach
  • Record memorable spiritual experiences or events in a journal

POE: Intellectual Challenges:

  • Pray to know what gifts have been given you, and use one of those gifts to bless others.
  • Study the words of leaders about strengthening families, marriages, and homes.Read a book that will increase your faith and strengthen you spiritually.
  • Learn about and develop a new skill or interest.
  • Improve your ability to communicate with others
  • Learn more about Aspergers and Autism
  • Improve skills for an occupation.
  • Improve your employment opportunities.
  • Complete a degree or certificate program
  • Learn another language
  • Learn to budget wisely and manage personal finances.
  • Develop a plan of preparedness for emergencies
  • Acquire greater proficiency in an occupational or homemaking skill (such as organizing, using a computer, sewing, mechanical work, cooking, or cleaning).

POE: Physical Challenges:

  • Develop healthy eating habits and patterns
  • Learn to cook healthy foods.
  • Develop a program of regular exercise.
  • Work toward healthy sleep patterns.
  • Improve emotional and mental health.
  • Improve your personal appearance or hygiene.
  • Create opportunities to be active with family and friends.

POE: Service Challenges:

  • Pray for inspiration about who needs your help each day, and act on your inspiration.
  • Welcome or befriend a new person
  • Volunteer for or lead a service project in your community.
  • Find ways to be a friend and serve someone who is elderly.
  • Write encouraging letters to others and send
  • Assist someone who needs help with their education.

POE: Character Challenges:

  • Overcome a bad habit or addiction
  • Improve your ability to manage time wisely.
  • Learn to be grateful, and express your appreciation.
  • Choose friends and companions who are earnestly seeking to maintain high ideals and standards.
  • Cultivate patience and tolerance for others.
  • Avoid comparing yourself to others, and learn to recognize when you are doing your best.
  • Beware of pride, and seek to be humble and teachable

If you would like to get your own Pursuit of Excellence Book Order here

For some examples click here

5 Steps to Overcoming Co-Dependency & Stop Living Your Life in Bondage

 

“Codependents are ‘addicted,’ not to a destructive substance, but to a destructive pattern of relating to other people.”

Far too often I meet, see and find people who are living their life win bondage without even knowing it. They are oblivious to the negativity they encounter everyday. They always think everything is their fault. They wonder why drama and chaos keeps happening around them. I resonate with them so well, because until 2011, that was my life. I was always concerned with making others happy. I didn’t understand why negative things kept happening to me and around me. Others would say it was my fault and I never thought to challenge them.

Until one day, I did.

From that moment forward my life changed. My mission in my business is to truly help others to overcome. Overcome the heartaches. Overcome loss. Overcome negative self talk.

Today I want to talk to you about Co-Dependency. If you are unsure if you are a Co-Dependent, scroll down towards the bottom of this post and check off the answers on the poll that resonate with you or you feel are like you.

If you already KNOW you are co-dependent, read on…

Take the test below if you want to see if you or someone you know is codependent

  1. Do an “Ideal Relationship Exercise”.  Take out two sheets of paper. Meditate, pray or sit quietly and really think about what your perfect or ideal relationship would be. One the first sheet, write down all the things that you want out of a perfect relationship. Or ask yourself “If I could have the relationship I really wanted, what would it be like, look like, etc?”  Then write down what you think of. Don’t stop at 10 or 20 or 100, just make a list and type or write it down. Now, when you have exhausted all the things you want out of a perfect relationship, write down what your current relationship looks like. Write down all the positive and the negative. Now, look at the current list. What are the negative things? Do they outweigh the bad? Are they deal breakers on their own? If not or you aren’t sure, take your list and put it next to the Ideal list. Do they match up? If not, or if the cons of your current relationship outweigh the bad, you may need to end it.
  2. Challenge your beliefs and self-defeating thoughts about your self-worth. You don’t need to prove anything to another person about your worth. You are who you are. Those who really love you will love you for who you are and not try to mold you or change you.
  3. Notice your negative self-judgments. Be kind and compassionate toward yourself. What negative self talk are you telling yourself? Recognize these thoughts and shoo them away by acknowledging that they are untruths. Write down, tell yourself, whatever you need to solidify the real you. Who are you? What do you deserve? What talents do you have? What traits do you have? If you are one who always comes back to a compliment with a negative comment, stop that bad habit now. What kind things are people always saying about you? Take compliments well and say thank you.
  4. Tell yourself on a regular basis that it’s ok to ask and accept help from others. Allowing others to help you is a sign of strength not weakness. Ask your friends if you need help with something. Reach out to someone or a therapist who can help you through this process. Search online for resources and tools that might help you.
  5. You deserve a loving, mature, honest and real relationship. You know what you want. You know what you deserve. You know what you are willing to accept. You already know the answer (which is why you might be on my blog, hint hint) to the questions that you seek. The answer is directly in front of you.

Answer these questions on Co-Dependency. (You may or may not have all of these. Go thru the list and see how many you have.)

**If you checked more than 5, the answer is yes. If you checked ALL of them, I would suggest finding a therapist in your area and finding a resource who can truly help you deal with these issues. If you are a resourceful, self driven person, and don’t need a therapist or are not a fan of therapy, consider and Intuitive Counselor or other similar resources. There are also many resources and help aids online. Google “Co-Dependency” for ideas, courses, etc.**

XoXo,

Trisha Trixie

Posterchild Trisha Trixie is a Life Designer (Life coach) helping 
others to Design the Life they Desire by overcoming the issues standing in their way. Though acknowledgement and acceptance, she harness the Law of Attraction Principle help others manifest the miracles they desire in their lives. She currently lives in Centennial, Co with her 
newlywed Spouse(HunEPants) and her three cats, Mr. Booties, My. Dude and Miss Ivy.